The Reunion

by

First of all, the most important reunion that has happened since my last rant is the reunion I’ve had with myself. My daughter knew a fraction of who her mother is. I was broken down and silenced out of my love and commitment to her. I did her no favours. If I could not protect myself, I could never protect her. And the moment she saw me finding myself and moving my life towards a place where I could thrive she wasn’t having it.

A year of complete devastation, confusion, heartbreak, betrayal, lies, character assassination in a court of law, protecting an abuser who is now her problem and she cannot talk to me about it because they accused me of everything her father is. They lied and said she was on medication due to my abuse. She was not. She is now though…

I know this is my child and I can never stop taking responsibility for her nor for the person I chose to bring her into this world with. However, there has to be consequences or she will never respect me nor realise that you cannot allow yourself to be used as a pawn in a game of abuse and victimisation just because it suits your selfish teenage need to do whatever you want to do. So I told her I refuse to keep talking to her about surface level shit and which boys she is not kissing not to mention having conversations with a hungover 15 year old every weekend and not being able to do a thing about it. I told her until she can tell me what she is sorry for, until she can tell me why on earth she would treat me like a crackhead walking the streets for drug money and lie about me in legal proceedings, I am no longer dropping everything to accept the breadcrumbs she gives me. The only non-negotiable requirement I ever had was honesty. She is not capable of being honest as she lives in fear, like I did, of what her father will do with her honesty. What the consequences for her will be. Knowing that perjury is a crime. As is severe parental alienation. It is child abuse. And this is the only reason why, when she called me 3 weeks ago asking if she could come and see me, that I agreed.

So it was a Tuesday night, and I had had a rough night before with all kinds of fuckery I will post about next time. Of course it involved a man. But I am thankful for his fuckery or I probably would’ve refused the request for the reunion. At first I said no because I had just had to move from the home we shared when she left because I felt like I was living in a tomb and cried every morning because I had woken up to live another day despite my targeted self destruction. I didn’t even realise that I was thriving in my career and financial freedom from my abusive and controlling father and that I could sign a lease for the first time on my own in 13 years. I was so heartbroken I could not see how much personal growth I had achieved in all area’s of my life. How I was finally choosing to live even on auto pilot. I was afraid seeing her would set me back. Eventually my sister told me it was time to rip the bandaid off. So the next morning I said she could come but I refused to pay for it and that it would happen that very same weekend or not at all. She asked about another weekend when plane tickets were cheaper. I said if your grandmother could fund a perjured attack on my character just so she can vape in her bedroom and drink vodka unsupervised, she can pay the extra 500 bucks for a plane ticket. 10 minutes later I got her flight confirmation.

And so 2 days later she arrived. It felt like we had seen each other yesterday. But as much as things felt the same, they felt very different. She finally admitted her father has been taking his anger out on her and that he is in therapy. She admitted she was resentful and hurt me on purpose. They tried their hardest to break me down. I did not break even though it felt like I had never been so broken. It was 48 hours. But I still don’t know how I feel. If I can trust her. I do know that it must have taken a lot for her to tell her father she misses me and needs to see me. And so we will work towards a relationship in which she understands that I am her mother, who sacrificed her soul for her because that’s what we do, and that now she will have to find a ay to deal with who is now HER abuser, because I will not live my life in fear of her doing this to me again.

I am proud of her for facing the music. But it hurts that she can flit in and out of my life as she pleases legally. And until that is resolved, this reunion is ongoing. I love you my baby… but the choices you have made and your reasons for making them will never sit right with me because I taught you better.

#abuse #divorce #parentalalienation #parenting #coparenting #justice #perjury #childabuse #southafrica #legal #familylaw

Let Go v Blame

by

What a hideous time to be alive! Watching history both repeat and delete itself is rather outrageous. And confusing. And mentally exhausting. And emotionally irrational.

I’ve been trying with the artist formerly known as my daughter. I’ve been watching her unravel. I’ve been watching her manipulate me. I’ve been watching her regret. I’ve been watching her ambivalence. I’ve been trying to find the woman I raised. I’ve been trying to empathize. I’ve apologized. For allowing myself and her to be abused. She continues to protect both herself and more importantly her father. The last time I didn’t see my child for 9 months was when I was pregnant with her. A traumatic pregnancy full of abuse on every level. She knows this.

She knows perception is reality. She knows Posting on social media about how cool her abusive father is dismisses and creates doubt about the abuse I have and continue to suffer. She knows she calls me every day but doesn’t tell her friends because she lied about me.

She knows I decided to make a documentary about my abuse and initially supported me. But now she knows she is part of that story and her resentment and need to do what the fuck she wants makes her an enabler. She thinks she can control me. But she has given me the freedom to tell my story without guilt about her.

I just need to know she has shown me who she is. And thus has given me the freedom to think bigger than just her. To fulfill my destiny. To change other survivors lives. To stop the silence. My life is bigger than being her mother. She is not my only reason for living. I am worthy. I will make a difference in this world. My past does not define my future.

#abuse #mentalhealth #narcissiticpersonlitydisorder #depression #childhoodtrauma #parentalalienation #justice #singlemother #coparenting #genderbasedviolence #generationaltrauma #childabuse #psychologicalabuse #legalsystem #privilege #verbalabuse #survivor #parenting #divorce

[Ex] Monster-In-Law

by

To sum the last 17 years of my life up I think we need to start at the beginning. And by beginning I mean my ex mother in law. A woman who’s maiden surname was Stone. She went on to marry a Brick. And the result was a cold hearted narcissist who’d sue her in a heartbeat if he didn’t need her money in order to do so.

Now that the lawyers are out of the picture and reality has set in, I can be honest about rhe fact that this hideous woman is the maternal influence in my daughters life right now. And there is no ways this Ice Queen is mothering my child when she produced the disgusting piece or trash she did and now she thinks that suddenly she can do a better job with my daughter when her she still washes her 50 year old sons skid marked underwear cause he can’t even wipe his ass properly, like fuck you. A whole woman who never put a brush through my child’s hair cause she isn’t white, who called her fat, who sent her son for an Aids test instead of asking me for a paternity test when she found out he had knocked a Black woman up. Who made me sign a prenup when her son had nothing to offer me and my father invested in a business so he wouldn’t have to sell couches during shift work at fucking Coricraft. Then still had the nerve to take my dad to the CCMA when His boss, who was a friends husband, had a stroke and who also by the way hired The Fucker cause of my friendship with his wife, same reason my father invested in his business.

This person who physically abused me when I was pregnant with the same child I apparently am incapable of parenting. This woman who saw me bleeding after her son attacked me a week before I gave birth and had told me he had taken an overdose whilst I brunched with my sisters, and told his family and friends not to come to my baby shower the day before. She saw me run out of the complex scratched up and had the nerve to tell me I provoked him WHILST she was running victim support at SP police station.

This same woman who made my domestic violence charges against her so docket disappear cause I had a restraining order against him and who was still abusing me even after he moved out.

This same woman who told the police not to talk to me when I asked them to do a wellness check last year when my daughter and her father cut all communication so that he could exact his threats and revenge he’d long been promising, and then paid for this disgusting ambush because she, too, wanted my child back and was willing to facilitate lies and perjury in order to make that happen.

For someone who herself said “I hope you choke on your chow mein” to and about Her own son in front of my daughter. Then he tells my daughter he hopes I drop dead?

These are the people influencing the adult my child is going to be one day? Hell fucking no! Absolutely NOT!

They are going to regret the day they ever used their white privilege and money against me. My ex enticed My kid by showing her her her grandmother’s millions in her accounts she mistakenly left her computer screen open. Who does that? So he’s living there waiting for his mother to die then my kid also lives there forever waiting for him to die?

What the actual fuck? And I am the toxic environment? They will not influence my daughter with their sick and twisted toxicity and blatant abuse of the justice system and attacking an unemployed single mother with their millions.

Activism takes many forms. I can only imagine how many women out there in my position. I worse positions! Let’s fight the system. We should not be forced to coparent with abusers and this form of child abuse needs to be recognized.

#abuse #mentalhealth #narcissiticpersonlitydisorder #depression #childhoodtrauma #parentalalienation #justice #singlemother #coparenting #genderbasedviolence #generationaltrauma #childabuse #psychologicalabuse #legalsystem #privilege #verbalabuse #survivor

The Pursuit of Sloppiness

by

I know we’re all tired of reading and talking about The Slap. But honestly if this wasn’t a blatant display of toxic masculinity, unresolved insecurities, humiliating violation of boundaries and freedom of speech, capitalism, patriarchy, narcissistic self victimisation and complete disrespect on so very many levels all packaged in 2 minutes of our lives that we will not only never get back, but also never forget. Like fuck you Will Smith, I didn’t like you to begin with now here I am spending more of my life dissecting the fuckery of your pathetic choices.

Let’s start with the fact that Jada has been taking flack for a mutually established open relationship. It’s not cheating if it’s an open relationship. I mean women are out here in open relationships not knowing that they are in open relationships since both Old and New Biblical Testaments and up until this very second. Obviously this is because women do not cheat, despite statistics telling us women and men cheat almost equally, Thanks Cosmopolitan Magazine for your decades long repetitive content, as if having a penis automatically makes you hornier and also renders the men incapable of resisting the will of the uncontrollable erection; a completely delusional and selfish ideology not to mention completely untrue; the only real difference is that women cheat respectfully. Men are just messy. Or Lazy. Or just don’t give a fuck cause where is she going anyways? Look I’m not going to give away our wily ways cause then the men will learn how to cheat respectfully which means we won’t know when they’re cheating. But I will tell the men this for free: women cheat when you’re cheating thinking we don’t know you’re cheating and furthermore, and this is a blatant blanket statement, we usually cheat when we’re getting ready to dump you via a power point presentation with a timeline and photographic evidence of your fuckery.

So Jada is apparently toxic. But can we question why Will has never had cheating scandals with women? These wily wenches who are gold diggers, according to the artist formerly known as Kanye, are not snitching on Will? How can this be? Oh yes… because maybe Will doesn’t cheat with women! Nobody knows how to keep a secret like an openly Gay man who prefers to sleep with closeted “Straight” men who go around talking about how their wife has never believed in “traditional” relationships. How fucking convenient! I mean we all knew Kevin Spacey (moment of silence for a once favorite actor who turned out to be a sexual predator… when the House of Hollywood Couch Cards started falling) was gay but he never said it and he didn’t have to or couldn’t. Whatever. Point is Will loves to throw Jada to the wolves to deflect from his own “entanglements” and I feel like Jada is over Will taking up her shoe closet space.

And I feel like Will knows Jada wants her display cabinets back and so when he laughed at a misguided “joke” about GI Jane then saw Jada’s face after Chris was already back peddling cause he knew he’d fucked up before Will knew he’d fucked up due to Jada’s eyes rolling out of her sockets and into Lupita’s lap. I must make mention of the fact that Lupita deserves on Oscar for her poise and ability to turn into an actual statue, probably clicking her red bottom heels together chanting “there’s no place like home” 3 times… Only then did Will stop laughing and immediately realised *either I go slap the shit outta Chris or Jada gonna call me back to Red Table Talk after she slaps the shit outta me when we get home later*. I mean the ridiculousness of it all. Jada does not need a man defending her. Hell I wouldn’t fux with Jada. We are not damsels in distress and we do not need you invoking our names to excuse your unacceptable behavior in an “acceptance” speech you should not have been allowed to make in the first place.

But where does the Academy go with this? Roman Polansky won an Oscar decades after fleeing the country cause he is a sex offender who loves to have sex with children. This is totally acceptable behavior apparently. Presidents get elected after admitting to grabbing women by their vagina’s. What the actual fuck? So really if we’re talking scale of creeps the Academy has awarded, The Slap is like a minus infinity. But we cannot compare dog shit with bird shit. It’s all shit.

So of course, Will slapping Chris is just boys being boys. Just like starting world wars is just boys being boys. Just like gender based violence is just boys being boys. Someone on the Twitter streets said this is nature. Oh really? I have never seen the birds having a species reckoning. I have never seen a Lion beat the shit out of a Lioness. I have never seen Elephants invading other continents and claiming all the lands.

Tell me the part about nature again?

#violence #toxicmasculinity #willsmith #chrisrock #theoscars #theslap #cheating #slutshaming #relationships #abuse #randomthoughts #blogger #opinion #academyawards #men #women #race #patriarchy #wordpress #writer #violation #usa #southafrica #feminist #lupita #romanpolansky #gbv #doublestandards

I Told Me So…

by

A few post back I posted about a Tinder match who was love bombing me with Bryan Adams, claiming to be a Jewish Hedge Fund Manager who was born in Macon, Atlanta but raised in the Bahamas. I mean I knew it was too good to be true, there is no good reason a guy who looks like the pictures he was sending me is on Tinder for any other reason than hook-ups. I had blocked his South African number when he told me he was off to Atlanta to help a “fellow Jew set up an IPO”. Admittedly I thought it was odd that he made a point to mention his religion. Anyways my ex husband is Jewish and like I said previously the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again then expecting a different result. Furthermore my ex also came in hot like this guy did. So I was wary. It was like I would assume he is wealthy because he is a Jewish Private Investment Banker Slash all the things… when my Jewish ex husband had nothing to his name. Still doesn’t. Lives with Mommy who buys his underwear. So no I am not fooled by a religion nor fucking bankers.

Anyways a week or two later he texts me from a US number. Sends me pics of strip malls in Atlanta which really coulda been Fourways in Johannesburg. Keeps sending selfies and cheesy videos. Anyways I decide to play along so decided to start love bombing him back with cheesy videos and gifs and quotes etc knowing that men will reveal their true intentions as soon as you start showing any kind of emotion towards them.

Nope he was not to be deterred. He then tells me his mom is in hospital and has had to fly back to the Bahamas. I just knew what was coming next. Indeed, he calls me to tell me his mother has died. Now why would you call a woman you do not know across the world an hour after your mother dies? Anyways, he start’s talking about Rabbi’s flying in from New York and sitting shivah in Atlanta… but the whole time I’m thinking “What the fuck is up with this guys accent? He does not sound American, not even Caribbean… am I hearing things? What is going on?”. Nonetheless I say what I need to say etc. Now I know this guy is not who he is claiming to be. He even sends me a pic of “me and mom” as a baby, then the songs he is playing at her “funeral” and giving me a rundown of Jewish Burial traditions which I know all about thanks which is also what gave him away cause he shoulda finished the assignment in Jewish Studies. But I decide to up my game so that he feels comfortable to reveal his true intentions. True to gross generalisation, he sends me a text telling me on his way to Atlanta with a pic of himself in Business Class… I literally told this guy I had watched the Tinder Swindler so he’d know I’m not the one. But no, he then sends me a text telling me he has had some sad news from South Africa. In this moment I knew it was time for the big reveal:

Yes, he told me that the person that manages his “property” had lost someone to Covid and needed to get to the Eastern Cape and did I have R3000 to give them and he’d pay me back when he gets back. I was like “I’ve been waiting for this call”. He got all defensive like what do I mean, what am I saying when I told him his accent gave him away and told him how fucked up it was that he thought he could manipulate me in this day and fucking age.

That same morning I saw a whole bunch of Tinder Swindler’s being exposed in South Africa including a romance scammer ring of 8 Americans. I knew it was a clear sign… It’s like the dude decided he had to try get the cash out of me before he too was exposed. Gotta hand it to him though he took his sweet time, really tried to pay attention to detail and must’ve spent hours on his video collection… his dedication and endurance is commendable. Fuckwit.

I cannot with human fuckery. Why always plane tickets? And why always the cash for the plane ticket instead of buying the plane ticket? Who falls for this crap? Apparently a whole lotta women out there. I can’t like basically we live in a world where we have to assume that all men are creeps until they prove they are not. How fucking sad.

Look I’m not gonna lie, I would love to know who the ridiculously hot guy in all those pictures is… as for Tinder… three words:

No Thank You

Juniper Berry

#dating #tinder #onlinedating #redflags #love #relationships #baddecisions #itoldmeso #thetinderswindler #swindlersoftinder #men #women #emotionalmanipulation #nicetry #america #southafrica #dating

Born Identity

by

I realise the amount of emotional spewing about my daughter of late. Judge me if you must. My first inclination was to blame her father. But as I have been repeatedly reminded, she knew what she was doing. 

I will give credit where it is due: she tried to unring this bell. To her that is enough. To me she knew better than to provide a narcissist with all the ammunition he has been trying to extract from her for years. She really thought she had control over him. She really thinks he cares about what is best for her. She really thinks that somehow, without me in her life, he will be someone other than who he is. 

People don’t change. We grow if we accept that we need to grow. But am I a different person now than what I was 20 years ago? I fucken hope not. I hope that what people see is always what they know they will get. Only better versions of that same person. I pride myself on the stability I am able to provide my friends and family. Stability in the form of myself. I hope that they can see my growth as that same person. I also hope that they feel safe enough to let me know how and where I can be a better person. This is not abuse. This is love.

My baby daddy has made it clear that our daughters wishes and best interests do not suit his own. I will not entertain celebrity lawyers. I will not spend another cent on this intimidation. We will take this to the system where your high powered lawyers mean nothing. You will be humbled once again and deterred from using your privilege in order to intimidate me. Our child has never been your concern. Your concern has pathetically been “winning”. The only loser here, besides yourself, is our child. 

You do not care about her. You are not a parent. You have nothing and nobody else in your life besides the daughter I gave you. You have lived with your mother since the day I ended our abusive marriage. You entice our daughter by showing her your mother’s bank account. Gross. You are repulsive and I cannot believe I ever let you touch me. 

But our daughter needs to see who you are for herself. Pathetically obsessing over winning a war called our daughter with someone who doesn’t even care enough to hate you. If it’s the last thing I do, you will know who I really am. And you will see that your relentless abuse will come back to bite you. I believe in Karma. I need to believe that in a past life I abused you. It is the only way for me to make sense of your incomprehensible hatred towards me, the mother of your child, the only person who will ever love you enough to see past your vileness.

Bow down mother fucker. Watch me now. Bitch be humble. Because we are taking this to the streets where you can’t hide behind mommy’s money as a 50 year old man. And do not forget: you brought us here. And even though I can afford my own high powered attorneys, most women in this country cannot. So I will fight for them. And I will fight so that my child does not go into this world thinking that she gets her way with money and lawyers.

Fuck you very much, for turning my child into someone I cannot and will not recognize. Well done to you. You have successfully raised a human being who thinks it’s appropriate to make false accusations against her own mother, coached by you, and now I feel sorry for both her and anyone who crosses the path you have carved for her. 

Parent of the fucking year. Please do buy my teenager another bottle of Vodka and drop her off at a house with other unsupervised teenagers all so that your ego can be coddled because you know that Mommy still washes your middle aged asses skid marked underwear. 

Make me the bad guy because you are so insecure about yourself. No fucken thank you. You have what you want. A child I have no control over. But that is not enough for you. You need to destroy me in order to feel better about yourself. And that is what you call “winning”. A whole Jewish Trump supporter with a black daughter. And that is what I call “you’re a fucken loser”. And as for the artist formerly known as my daughter: well she made her choices. You are her unforeseen problem now. And I will not fix the mess you encouraged a minor to make. GTFOH!

And this is why I cannot be fucking around on Tinder as this is the kind of man I end up with. A broken soul looking for acceptance will only find another broken soul looking for someone they can abuse with the assumption that it will fix their hideousness.

#mentalhealth #proudlydiagnosed #bipolar #abuse #teenager #divorce #mother #motherhood #singlemother #noteven #revenge #obsession #weaponisingchildren #narcissist #parentalalienation #lawyers #legal #justice #gbv #genderbasedviolence #fixthis #brokenfamiy #broken #intimidation #money #catchmeoutside #streetsmart #tinder #notlookingforlove #fuckyou

Back to void filler, Tinder…

by

I mean I had ‘The Tinder Swindler’ on my Netflix reminders so don’t doubt as soon as I got that email I dropped the Corona (shame, now we have to specify) BEER I was drinking and raced home to watch it. Like this is actually something that counts as an invaluable education if you’re not like me who obsessively googles the red flags of online dating… like what? You said “hey”? Apparently an immediately unmatchable offense. Personally I don’t know how else to start a conversation with a complete stranger but okay… I will work on that opening line.

So of course I feel like all the women should have got paid leave to watch this train wreck of capitalism meets desire meets manipulation meets desperation meets undeserving loyalty meet inexplicable decisions to ignore your gut and also the entire internet because you are blinded by love from a dude you met on Tinder?

Now of course I am always on the side of the woman. But if at a certain stage in your life you cannot or will not see that all that glitters is not gold, especially when every fibre of your being is telling you RUN, it’s hard for me to not have a fleeting thought of “what were you thinking?” Sorry I meant: “What the FUCK were you thinking?”, Ya know. I found it hard to see how these educated, privileged women fell for this crap with a dude they met on Tinder. Fair or not, Tinder has a certain reputation. And that reputation isn’t made up like how Trump is actually the rightful king of America’s throne cause you know, voter fraud and all due to people of colour voting. Sorry just had to special mention and would also like to take this opportunity to send a shout out to CNN for providing Africa with a front row seat to the spin off of ‘The Apprentice’, being ‘The President’. That was an awfully entertaining couple of years and a welcome break from our very own shit show in South Africa whereby our President was literally being handled like a CIA agent by a family who were not even South African.

Actually would like to send myself a special shout-out for writing about Tinder and World Politics in and about the same post.

Anyways, back to Tinder. So I matched with this dude which Tinder said was 20km’s away but okay, I Quora’d that shit and maybe Tinder is ignoring my radius settings on one profile right? Or something about passport. Point is that this dude tells me he is in Cape Town which is like well I don’t really feel like looking that up right now but let’s say a 12 hour drive, 2 hour flight. Says he’s there for a friends funeral but he’s from California and flying back Friday. Okay. Thinking about distance Tinder says is between us. Alright well, clearly that shoulda been a left swipe but I’m a nice girl so I tell him “wish I still loved in Cape Town so we could have coffee”. I’m not proud. But the dude by now had told me his wife had died in a car accident and he was raising his son on his own and did I mention US Military like you know, all the things that melt a girls heart.

So he suggests he extends his ticket and flies to Johannesburg so we can meet. Okay. Lemme live a little. Plus US Military dude definitely bucket list vibes. So now he’s asking me about plane ticket prices. So I tell him. And bare in mind he’s American here for a funeral. So with the exchange rate this plane ticket is. Wait, this I will actually google… okay like roughly 50 USDs… then he asks me to send him the money cause he has to pay for his “extension” (it’s Covid like why are you traveling if your ticket isn’t flexible), so he doesn’t have money for the local flight.

Wait what the fuck did I just read? Clearly this guy did not watch The Tinder Swindler as swiftly as what I did. Anyways that was an immediate unmatch but I’ll probably run into this mother fucker at the gym a few months from now…

Anyways special mention to all the Tinder Swindlers who are about to lose some income due to Netflix exposing ya’lls.

#tinder #thetinderswindler #netflix #onlinedating #dating #trump #america #zuma #southafrica #men #love #relationship #politics #wild #cnn

Maternal Extinction

by

I have been so open with my life on this blog, except for; being the blindingly loyal person I am, I was never able to really talk about what was leading to my severe depression being the fact that I was forced to co parent with my abuser and never ending victimisation by said abuser. I used to worry that my daughter would see these posts one day and that she would hate me for them. Hate me for putting her abusive father on blast. I no longer give a fuck.

How fucken pathetic. A whole Gender Based Violence activist silencing herself for the sake of a daughter who would eventually choose violence over love and self-sacrifice and hatred anyways. Half a life lost. And still, even with her handing her father the bullets he needed to gain the control over her he has wanted, here I sit still being controlled by someone I left both physically and emotionally 16 years ago.

Why? Because the artist formerly know as my daughter wants to drop their bullshit charges against me as well, the holidays are over now so she suddenly needs me again and wants nothing to do with the wheel she span herself. All those damn tears, all those legal fees and for what? Because a 14 year old doesn’t like rules? What a fucken surprise! She calls every day and really seems to think that everything is and will be as it was. But no, babygirl… you betrayed me. And now I know you would rather align yourself with someone who emotionally and verbally abuses us both because you wanna live your life like you’re 25 years old. I cannot protect you from yourself. You have made it clear that even though you know who and what your father is, that you would rather be him because what was that you said? “His life just seems easier”.

No fucken shit. My life would also be easier if I was a perpetrator and not a victim of your father’s abuse. Our lives could’ve been easier if you were not blinded by seemingly silver linings and greener pastures. But like I said from day one, you will regret this. I see the pain and regret in your eyes right now. And whilst it may seem that my own tears are because I miss you… my tears are because I feel sorry for you. You lied in a court of law. With your father coaching you. You knew of his vendetta against me and used that for your own gain. I don’t give a fuck that you are a teenager and apparently that’s just what teenagers do. No. You have put a life that I was trying to regain control over right back into my abusers hands. So drop all the bullshit allegations you made against me, it will never change that you made those allegations against me in the first place. You set something into motion that will take a lifetime to undo. You have me waking up hoping for an email from a lawyer you know I cannot afford confirming that your father has dropped this crap.

I love you, person I brought into this world whilst the person you now call your best friend was physically abusing me to the extent that he almost killed you whilst I carried you. But know this: Right now I cannot trust you. Right now I cannot be myself and your mother in order to tell you how unacceptable your behavior is. Right now it is fake as fuck. And right now because you have always had a genuine and honest mother in your life you cannot see that I, too, just like you, can and will do what I need to do to get what I need for myself. And sadly you are no longer a part of a future I only just got to see myself in. You are part of a future where I am only hoping you do not meet and marry a man like your father, and that your future children have more morals and values than to think they can ruin their mothers life with frivolous bullshit and expect you to forgive them the second they have gotten what they want.

We used to look like twins. Now I do not see it. And since I’m being honest over here: you do not deserve to look like me nor do you deserve to have the qualities I have been born with and cultivated in order to make sure that I never treat anyone the way you and your father have treated me. You are now your father’s child: and I see nothing of myself in you.

I know moments pass. But in this very moment, you have betrayed me and every other woman who has been forced to raise kids with her abuser. And every other woman and child who actually needs the justice system and cannot afford it, not even to take public transport to get there, or do not have the education about their rights. Something I have drilled into you, shared with you, told you to be grateful for. Your privilege should not be taken for granted. And certainly not used for your own gain. Gross. You have family who live in squalor. Family you will now never know and therefore never understand the extent of your privilege. That is not a reality you wanted to see. So you go tan on Camps Bay Beach. So much easier than getting to know your family who will never see Camps Bay Beach and in that gain a semblance of humility and gratitude.

I raised you better than this. But you have chosen a lifestyle over love. And so I am choosing my lifestyle over your love.

#mentalhealth #bipolar2 #depression #parenting #parentingwithdepression #divorce #abuse #genderbasedviolence #gbv #coparentingwithabusers #coparenting #abuse #survivor #victim #teenager #betrayal #divorce #family #narcissism #bipolar #parentalalienation #justiceforsurvivors #enablers