Tell me maybe I, could be there for you oooohhhh! However do you want me, however do you need me?
This is the song that springs to mind. A few months ago I stopped my meds. Almost cold turkey. I guess it had been a gradual build up. After checking myself into a clinic again, I started to lose trust in my shrink. I can’t bore myself with the details, let’s just say there were a few run ins with a few nurses which ended in my writing a four page letter of complaint to the clinic head. I was tired of the ridiculousness of it all. The irony at my expense, accusing me of drug dependence whilst handing me prescribed drugs. I tore into my shrink. Wondering when he’d stopped trusting me, and if I would ever trust him again. Deep down I knew I was done. But it wasn’t until I decided to switch medications a few months later that I really knew my relationship with the medication was over. It’s been real, chemicals that kept me depressed. But I gotsta move on.
I feel like I’ve woken up from a 4 year coma. Suddenly bring able to control my emotions again, hold tears back. Laugh confidently, socialize. With adults. Out in public. Those meds made me a fraction of who I am. I lost confidence, didn’t know how to have a conversation without discussing the side effects of my meds. And I certainly wasn’t able to handle any kind of relationship. Not with family, not with friends. The slightest hint of emotional turmoil and was done. Years of friendship thrown away. A bizarre spiral of medication to control moods, but moods responding to medication. The meds kept me depressed. To be fair, it’s a listed side effect of mood stabilizers- that’s that they can actually bring on depression. It’s true. It happened to me.
Yes I know stopping treatment on my own wasn’t the best idea. But I knew I was done. With the meds, with therapy, with the lifestyle that comes with it. Or lack thereof. I feel… Well I’m just glad to feel again. I feel ready. For life. A late bloomer. But better late than 10 pills a day.